Brad's Story
By Brad Simpson
“Once I finally had the courage to speak, I was surprised by the compassionate reactions and the support and love I got. I realized the healing could begin and I wished I had done it a long time ago”
I was groomed and sexually abused by a private sports trainer from age nine to my mid-teens. The older male sports trainer used emotional manipulation tactics to gain my trust and continue the abuse.
I remember my trainer saying, “Touching sexual parts is what all champion athletes do. It’s how you get in touch with your core energy – that core animal instinct that makes you a great athlete.” I remember thinking that I was doing well in sports; I was a real high achiever. It was my secret weapon.
When I was eighteen, I went to a swim meet leading to the Olympic selection trials. I felt I needed my secret weapon again, so I went back to the sports trainer and the abuse continued. It was already bad enough, but once I’d done that, I could never tell anyone about it because it was so embarrassing. I realized it was wrong; I was asking for it. I had that guilt and shoved it away forever.
I didn’t tell anyone about the abuse for the next 35 years and instead focused on achieving goals in my career, sports, and social life. It was scary; I was afraid of the judgment most of all. I had feelings of guilt, and I struggled with self-esteem and trying to hide my story.
In 2014, I spoke about the abuse to my wife for the first time in an attempt to explain some of my behavior. I didn’t want to use it as an excuse, but felt it was important to explain the trauma I had worked to hide through drug and alcohol use for so many years. I made it so tough for her and somehow, she stuck around.
After disclosing to my wife, I told my children and sought counseling. I feel my real healing began during my time at an addiction treatment facility where I found other survivors of child sexual abuse. I started getting to know my inner child and learning to love that part of myself again. The little guy that felt it was his fault, the little guy that kept the secret. I found the community aspect of the treatment to be valuable because others provided support and understanding in moments when I felt most isolated.
My parents didn’t know about the abuse until shortly before I entered the treatment facility. I resisted telling them because I didn’t want them to feel responsible for what happened. I never blamed them for it; I never wanted to. It wasn’t their fault. They didn’t know because I hid it so well. However, after going through a breakdown and nearly taking my life, I decided to tell them. My parents have been wonderfully supportive, but I still worry that they struggle with feelings of guilt. I hate that I had to tell them because it was nobody’s fault.
As is the case for many male survivors of sexual abuse, I faced a specific set of challenges during my healing process. I think for me and possibly other men, it’s a huge pride thing – feeling like you must be the man and face your problems and get over it. Being able to share with other male survivors has been important in helping me feel less alone in my healing process.
I have experienced PTSD, depression, and suicidal thoughts as a result of the abuse. When I was diagnosed with depression and bipolar disorder, I tried to avoid taking medication for it because I feared being judged for living with mental illness. I had this fear of being crazy. Am I always going to be like this? Am I better off not being here? I eventually started taking medication and have also found it useful to learn about the brain chemistry behind depression and bipolar disorder. Knowing about it has made it more tolerable and easier to understand my behavior and my feelings.
In 2017, a close friend of mine from the treatment facility took his own life. He had five kids, a beautiful family. People didn’t understand why he would do it, but I understand. I mourn the loss of my friend, but I do not judge him for his choice. When you’re in that darkness it doesn’t seem like there’s a way out. It feels like it’s always been that way, it’s a truth that you must hide, and eventually it doesn’t feel like you can anymore. But somehow, we make it. We make it with the support of others. I just wish I could have helped my friend more.
I also find advocacy to be an important part of my healing. A close friend that I met through the treatment center and I became involved in creating a foundation called Show Up For Children, which provides resources and helps spread childhood sexual abuse prevention education. I am also a part of another foundation called Courageous Survivors which provides support for survivors of sexual abuse and assault.
Important parts of my healing have included mediation, yoga, and exercise as well as journaling and writing poetry. I have found it essential to be deliberate in my self-care routine and to embrace my creative side through my poetry and other writing that I share on Twitter and Instagram. I recently completed an autobiographical book of prose, poetry and journal entries touching on themes of healing, spirituality and learning to love oneself.
I am grateful that my family has been there for me throughout this journey and for how wonderfully supportive and compassionate they have been. I have made things very scary and difficult for them at times.
I’m focused on staying well so I can enjoy life with my children. At the moment, I’m just thankful to be here; it always felt so hard just to stay. Hopefully one day it doesn’t have to feel like a struggle.
5 words that describe me:
Kind, Loving, Compassionate, Empathetic, Enough