Brenda's Story
By Brenda Rockafellow
It was in 1972 and I was 11 years old when I first told my mother that her husband, my adoptive father, was molesting me. She could not, or would not, believe me and closed her eyes to my situation. By doing so she became complacent, and his sexual abuse continued for five more years. I never spoke to anyone about it again until 1989, when I was 29 years old. I have been a survivor of sexual, emotional, and physical abuse for 50 years, half a century, 2607 weeks, or two thirds of the average human life span. In other words, I’ve been a survivor for a long time, and I’m grateful for all of my experience.
I am not the petrified, trauma shocked child that I was 50 years ago. During these past 50 years I’ve picked up a lot of great coping skills, knowledge, and self-awareness. Many stages of recovering were necessary to get me to the place of peace and joy I live in today. None of it was easy to confront.
The tool kit I use today for my self-care is vast. I’ve learned over the years to recognize triggers and deal with them immediately, before they can consume my thinking. That was no easy feat. Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy has been the most beneficial to me in the last three years, but not the tool I use most frequently.
Self-care comes in so many forms and each experience is so unique. The one tool I rely upon the most is compassion and understanding. I no longer live with hate and resentments toward my parents for the abuse I suffered at their hands. My life was harsh. Theirs was worse. I no longer carry rage toward the teachers, police, counselors, neighbors, or family members who ignored all my physical and behavioral signs. I understand there is apprehension, ignorance, horror, and fear that accompanies acknowledging the abuse of any person, whether they are an adult or a child.
The second tool I use the most is accepting the realization that healing comes in waves and through each stage of my healing there has been an increased level of self-esteem. I’ve learned that I am not damaged goods. I hold immense value to the world in a collective manner. I’m not ruled by fear, but by faith. Faith that hidden in every dark corner of my life lies a positive aspect. I’ve been gifted with the ability to see past the dark and into the light. I have been able to recognize many benefits as a result of my abuse. These perceptions have freed my heart and mind of the negativity that once lived in its place. I genuinely love my life and myself today. Therein lies the gift of being a courageous little girl and a victorious woman of survival.