Diana's Story

By Diana D

As my husband says, I am a survivor.  My counselor always said my dad loved me too much and my mom didn’t love me at all.

I don’t know when my dad began to sexually abuse me but I do remember when it stopped because he had to use a rubber so I wouldn’t get pregnant.  Then I knew I had to stop it.  Before then I was a little girl looking for love and found it in all the wrong places.  I grew up on a farm and my dad said he would do my chores if he could have his way with me.  And it felt good even to a child.  Looking back I realize it was ever so wrong, but as a child how did I know and I couldn’t tell my mom.  I was never warned.. it was more like it was our very own secret.

My mother was another story.  She came to this country from war torn Germany and she actually admitted to me she should have been arrested for child abuse.  I remember being beaten so bad by a horse whip that she brought me a glass of water and told me I didn’t have to go to school (and this was for something my sister did.. I didn’t even do it). 

I remember my sister breaking into my lock box to show my parents my diary and me being sent away.  I remember coming home from school and my dad had his hands on the diary and a fire and told me to burn it.  What a hypocrite he was.

I remember my mother threatening to send me to NYC for a quickly abortion if I ever got pregnant.  I don’t ever remember my mom telling me she loved me. Not once.

Fast forward to my second marriage and the birth of my daughter and by the time she turned 5 I knew I had to do something to protect her.  What if what happened to me happened to her at the hands of my father?  I sunk into the lowest of depressions, removed myself from my family all together and sought counseling.  After a year of counseling I had to either confront my mom with the truth or accept they would never be in my life again.  I told my mom.. she believed me!  My dad was found out.. again (same happened to my oldest sister who is no longer in the picture.. she has entirely distanced herself from the family) and after one session both my mom and dad didn’t return but I learned to live with what it was.  Soon thereafter my dad was diagnosed with cancer and died within the year.  His last words to my mom was to ask her if he was going to hell for what he did.

As for my mom and I we never talked about her mistreatment of me and we had a good relationship until she too died from cancer. 

I have a strong relationship with my children, their grandchildren and my husband and I will celebrate our 38th wedding anniversary in October.  I am living proof that you can get through the darkest days of your life and come out on the other side.

If you are struggling there is help.  People that will talk to you and there are places you can go to feel safe.  If the first couple people and places don’t work… keep looking.  I am here to tell you life will be enjoyable again and I am here to help.