Sharing our story

As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I can tell you first hand how isolating and lonely it feels as a child and how that carried into my adulthood. The mind often cannot make sense of the horrors of the experience, and to survive, unhealthy behaviors are born and solidified. We are four times more likely to abuse drugs, four times more likely to struggle with PTSD as an adult (in my case complex PTSD) and are three times more likely to experience major depressive episodes.

Telling my story is one of the hardest things I have ever done but it is also rewarding and necessary for my mental health and healing. Many, many years ago I locked these horrific experiences away from my conscious mind. I created an alternate reality, a fantasy childhood and life where I felt safe. My inner child was pushed down by my "adapted child" as a protection against death. I felt that as long as she was locked up and shut up, noting could hurt me. How wrong I was! It was only in sharing my story and the reality of my abuse that I am slowly learning to let her voice be heard. Slowly but surely letting her have the love, comfort, compassion and understanding that she never got before. This is the way to healing. The way to living. The way to thriving. I cannot ignore her any longer.

Why Share?

My voice was silenced as a victim. My innocence was stolen by someone who was supposed to love and protect me, my confidence and safety destroyed. The world became a dangerous and scary place. Even now, as a survivor, I still often feel like the victim when I go deep and face my past. It is so raw and intense. When I share my story, I get scared, I am anxious and embarrassed.

I feel all these things because that is how I was raised. I was threatened about speaking out. I was repeatedly reminded that no one would believe me. This was reiterated to me when, at a young age, I did tell some stuff to an adult I trusted and I was called a liar.

Now, hard to believe but over 40 years later, I am finally committed to owning my story — I am speaking up. I want to heal. Functioning is not living and I want to live!

What are the benefits of sharing?

Here are some reasons why I believe in the importance of talking about childhood sexual abuse:

1. It is empowering
Sharing is empowering. Sharing is liberating, and I believe it is necessary. There is absolutely no way to describe the weight of childhood trauma or the anxiety and fear that come with the journey to recovery. My innocence was stolen from me at 4 years old. I lost all control over the sanctity of my body and I lost my sense of self. When I share my story and un-tell the lies of my past, I take back control. I begin to take back control over my body. I take back control over my feelings. I can focus on healing from the abuse.

2. Feeling it is Okay
I am teaching myself that feeling it is okay. As a sexual abuse survivor, I learned early on the importance of a protective shield from all the physical and emotional feelings. It is a hard defense mechanism to get rid of. I am learning how to feel all of it, rather than pushing it away. I have so often emotionally detached and physically cut off from the neck down. I learned to go numb at the drop of a hat. As I reconnect to myself and my emotions, it has been uncomfortable and extremely painful at times, but I am told that amazing growth comes from the deepest of pain, so I go on.

3. We need support, help and compassion
I need the support, plain and simple. I can’t do this on my own. Support is crucial to the recovery process and it can be found in many different places. My support system consists of my therapist, my husband, my children, my close friends and a few others some who are also survivors. The support makes me feel less isolated as I try to keep from drowning in all the pain. The support helps me accept that my feelings are important and that others do care.

4. Connecting with others
Not only is courage contagious, I have learned this past year that we as humans, are made to be connected to others. The functional connections are interdependent - not too needy and not to self-sufficient. Without connection, we would not survive. I want other survivors who are not yet sharing their stories to know they are not alone. Together we can make a difference and find a purpose from the pain.

5. Help for loved ones of survivors
I also hope sharing helps loved ones and friends of trauma survivors better understand the complexity of recovery. I don’t think trauma ever goes away, and triggers can be everywhere. People who have never experienced a traumatic event usually have no point of reference for understanding. That is okay. In fact, I often tell my husband I do not need him to understand. I just need him to be with me in the space, so I know I am not alone when things get painful. Through recovery, survivors learn how to better cope and navigate the chaos when the past comes knocking, but it is a slow and messy process.

6. It is my right
This is my life, my experiences, my pain — I can talk about it all I want. I am done protecting the people who did not protect me. It is time to care for myself and the scared, lonely little girl within. It is time to love and nurture her and my adult self. For me, that means sharing, even when my voice shakes.