Hands On/Hands Off

By: Rj Marso

Hands on and under my pants
Family gatherings, holidays, whenever you had the chance
Hands on and over my clothes
You wanted a baby, you even proposed
Hands on, rubbing my skin
How could this happen with two children
Hands on and I ask you to stop
I knew I was in trouble when you would not
At four years, my innocence was taken away
By a child not much older than I who filled me with shame
Continuing four more years until I was eight
But the trauma continues, along with self hate
Hands off but I still feel them there
A comfortable moment in my body is now something rare
Hands off and tears fill my eyes
It’s been years but the memories still make me cry
Hands off, but you’re across the table
Your denial and their disbelief has made our family unstable
Hands off and I make myself bleed
But the blood doesn’t wash away the feeling of you like I need
Hands off and I wish my skin was gone too
When I look down at my body, I am reminded of you
Hands off and let’s keep it that way
You made my life hell, I’ve fought for myself day by day
Hands off, never to return
Safety and security are things I must learn
Hands off, my body’s my own
I choose who touches it, my choice, mine alone
It will take a lifetime of healing and maybe more
I can only hope that’s the last time I’m unwillingly touched behind closed doors
The impact is lasting and I am strong
My future is somewhere he doesn’t belong
Keep those hands off, off and away
I don’t deserve to feel all this pain
Hands off, my body’s my own
Like Medusa, you hurt me again and I’ll turn you to stone