I Need to Hide

I take one step at a time
Into my cold, dark room
I have no where to hide
No one to even speak to

I see a reflection on the mirror
And as I saw my face
I soon hated myself
I felt weak and pathetic
Even though it wasn't my fault
But it feels like it is
And it feels like I can't think
It feels like I can't feel
It feels like I can't breathe

No one can know this
No one should know my struggles
It's my fault
It's my fault
It's my fault
I cant show emotions
I cant show my scars
I cant lose my mask

I laugh when I'm supposed to
I smile when I need to
I push my feelings away
So no one will see
If I think longer than a moment
People may ask me questions
But I'll be afraid to answer them

I'm afraid to worry people
Because it's my fault
I hate myself for it
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself

I need to hide myself from danger
I don't want to hurt anyone
I don't want them to worry
Because of what happened to me 
I don't know what I did
I'm trying to think about it
But I can't comprehend what happened

I can only tell my emotions to me
Because I'm the only one who felt it
I stare at my reflection and breathed deeply
I don't even know how I can even stand myself
Can I even stand for myself?
Can I ever forgive myself for what happened?
Can I feel ashamed for something I didn't do?

I finally looked away from the personal world
And looked down at my feet
What have I done to deserve this?
What did I do wrong?
Did I do something to a person
That thought I was weak?
Pathetic?
Or alone?

I try so hard to forget
Since people told me to be careful next time
Like it was some game of tic tac toe
A carefree activity that almost always ties
But even though I try not to show it
I'm feel like I'm still there
It feels like he won
I lost
He took everything as a prize
I lost everything I was born and raised with

I cry alone because I don't want people to worry
If I'm going to die or let myself live
My depression is getting deeper
Like a cinder block sinks into the deep ocean
It's not dying
It's not the strange feeling of pretend play
It's being just there in a emotional coma
Until it's ready to float up again
It will never be whole again
Nor will it be easy
Nor will it be fun
Or even time sensitive
But I hide my depression in that ocean

I need to hide because I care for everyone
That I have ever known
I don't want to hurt them
I don't want them to be mad at me
For bothering them all the time
It feels like it's my fault that this happened
But I know I can't put on a mask forever
I need to face what happened dead on

But...I dont know how I heal
If I feel the need to hide
It feels like I lost myself
And the only way I know how to express that
Is to put on my brave face and hide
I need to hide
I need to hide
I need to hide

By Ashlea K