Janet's Journey
By Janet Bentley
As I have been honored to read the stories and writing that such brave survivors have submitted for Sexual Assault Awareness Month, I have been reflecting on my own healing journey. From childhood, I believe that I have been searching for, and sometimes clawing my way to, some sort of healing, love, acceptance, and happiness. Often, those searches have led me to dangerous and unhealthy situations. I truly believe that it is a miracle that I survived all that I have. I have not only survived, but I have also been blessed with so much in my life. It hasn’t come easy. But it has been worth it.
The sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of my dad, my extended family, religious leaders, and many other very sick people that were in my life as a child, set me up for such low self-worth that I truly believed I was unlovable, and that no one could possibly accept me if they knew all the horrible, disgusting things had happened to me. Honestly, I still fight those feelings, but I have learned many helpful tools to counter those feelings when they inevitably arise, mostly when I am moving toward love and life.
When I started what I consider the most important phase of my recovery, trauma therapy, five years ago, I did not believe that I would ever be able to receive the love and acceptance that I had been so deprived of and needed so very much. Here is a short excerpt of something I wrote in my journal a few months into my therapy.
“My depression and pain are familiar and I guess it is scary to let go of it and risk happiness. So I sit here in my loneliness and pain, unable to feel love or connection. Maybe it is me; I don’t make me happy. I am not comfortable with me. I am afraid for anyone to see this side of me because then people will leave me, and I won’t get any love at all. I will never be able to get the love I didn’t get. I search and search and never reach it. I am afraid of needing people, but I so very much need people – it feels hopeless and leads me right back to where I started – feeling like dying.”
I remember writing that and I very much remember feeling that for most of my life. The most amazing thing, though, is that I do not feel that way anymore! I never truly believed I could be in the place I am today. Do I still struggle with it all? Absolutely. However, through a lot of tears and a lot of hard work in walking through my fears of connection, which are always based in my fear of rejection and abandonment, I have not only learned that I am worthy of connection with others, but I am also worthy of connection with MYSELF.
I hated myself for so long. It was a very deep-rooted survival strategy. As a child, I had to protect my attachment figures at all costs, even though that is where most of the abuse was coming from. I needed to blame myself because that was the only way of feeling any sense of control or survival. Therefore, I spent a major part of my adult years yearning and looking for that attachment with others. That survival strategy has been the hardest to change and it will always be there, but it more often stays in the background and I have learned how to put it back where it belongs when it pops up.
Do you know what the most wonderful thing is that has come from all the trauma work I have done? I learned that I could get that feeling of love, compassion, acceptance and self-worth from someone who I can always rely on! Me! Of course, I need others. I have a wonderful support network that consists of friends, therapist, groups, this nonprofit and so much more. It is the combination of all these beautiful connections in my life that allow me to keep going, to live a life of purpose and passion.
February 13, 2020 was a day when all of my healing was put to the test. My husband had just left to go pick up one of our friends from work and I was sitting on the sofa with my dogs, getting ready to leave for my therapy appointment. It was a beautiful sunny day, and the sliding door was cracked open. Suddenly, the dogs ran out their dog door barking and before I knew it, a man had entered through the sliding door, shut the door, and immediately went to block the dog door. He wore a ski mask and had a knife.
I felt such terror and as was my history while being abused, I went into freeze. I shut down as I had done so many times in my childhood. He proceeded to threaten, and violently rape me. The bruises and black eye that I had after he left were nothing compared to the shame that came back at me with a vengeance. I have still not been able to tell anyone close to me about all that I experienced. That is my choice. I especially don’t want my husband and close family to have visuals.
My therapist helped me with finding the courage to report the crime. I had begun to fall back into my coping strategies of minimizing and giving in to the fear of the threats I received to not tell. Telling was crucial. Reporting it didn’t find the perpetrator (so far) but it was important for Little Janet. It was important to step out of victimhood and into the energy of self-protection.
As a therapeutic exercise, I wrote a letter to the rapist that was published in an online forum. Here is a short piece of it:
“I don’t know who you are. I don’t know the man behind the mask. I don’t know if you were hurt by others or whether you just enjoy hurting others. What I do know is you will not break me. You picked the wrong person. You see, I have already been hurt in my life, more than you could do in the few minutes of your assault. I have already been broken and have already been working on putting my pieces together. That makes me way stronger than you. Yes, you humiliated me. Yes, you violated me. But you didn’t break me. The strength I have found has helped me put you where you belong – in my PAST, not my present. I wish and hope more than anything that you do not hurt anyone else this way. You may have threatened my life, but it was an empty threat because I still have my life. You defiled my flesh, not my heart and not my soul. I forgive you. I am still whole. I am still worthy and I am still loved – despite what you did or what you think you took”
It is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. These things are difficult to read about. They are difficult to accept. However, awareness is what will change society. Awareness is what will help survivors get the love, support, compassion, and acceptance that they so desperately need. We are not alone, and we never have been, and awareness is helping so many feel less alone.
My husband, my children, my grandchildren, and my chosen “family” love me for who I am. They always have even when I didn’t feel worthy of it. My trauma therapist has helped give me my life back; he has helped and continues to help show me how connection and self-compassion are so important in reparenting Little Janet. To look back at where I was five short years ago and where I am today gives me the motivation to keep traveling this road of healing. What a privilege and an honor to be alongside so many other courageous, courageous survivors.