What - Consent Within Marriage?

By Laura M

“It’s not consent, if you make me afraid to say ‘NO.’” - Anonymous Sexual Abuse Survivor, GeckoandFly.com

I survived SO many types of abuse in my former marriage, but up until a few years ago, I ultimately did not realize I was being abused. I just thought I was a screw-up. I thought he was moody and aggressive. I thought since we were married, he was allowed to have sex with me even though I was not in the mood -- wasn’t he owed that as my husband?

I married early, due to unplanned pregnancy, but I was determined to be the best wife and mother at the tender age of 19. I was the product of an excellent marriage, so I was going to go the distance to succeed. I had survived rape in high school, that I told NO ONE about, and was going to make sure I wasn’t sexually backwards and freakish. 

As our marriage progressed, my then-husband became more aggressive, more demanding, I wasn’t disciplined enough, not pretty enough, not good enough. I was constantly kept in line with emotional abuse, verbal barrages, and sometimes negative physical contact. However, I thought sex was sacred. We always made up with sex. It was supposed to be a sacred haven and our connection -- wasn’t it? 

As our marriage progressed, we added more children, but also a rift. He became increasingly more demanding all the time, with all of us, as well as more and more aggressive and entitled. I turned into a “fem-bot” of sorts, providing whatever he wanted and/or needed. This caused me to become less and less close to him, to the point of just letting him do whatever he wanted to me sexually, laying there until he finished and went to sleep.

I started becoming aware that my partner was cheating on me. I could never prove it, but always suspected. We separated a few times, but always came back together. However, he started wanting to do sexual things that I was NOT okay with. My “no’s” always got coerced and his wants/needs carried out. I got so emboldened, I finally told him “NO! No more! I don’t want to!” so he got me drunk and raped me in the same manner as the person who had raped me in high school, all while I am crying and begging him to stop -- my psyche could no longer take this and I became hyper-afraid of him. I started sleeping on the couch and in my children’s rooms to avoid the rampage.

Consent in a marriage is a double-edged sword that you never realized you were in possession of -- perhaps you never were? It can protect you by the simple stating of your wishes, or it can cut you deeply when it is used against you. How might it be used against you? It can cut you with coercion or by the sheer act of completely taking it away and invalidating your feelings. It is a sacred thing in a marriage that voids that union when disregarded.

Now being in a safe relationship, it’s amazing how liberating and safe a person can feel when their significant other has mutual respect and consistently checks in. Consent is no longer a weapon, but a very precious gift.