Letter to 12-year-old Me

Dear 12-year-old Me,

I re-read what I wrote to you a few months ago. I was very surprised at the anger and resentment I had at you and how in just a few short months, those feelings have changed to be more compassionate. I will say right off the bat that I understand the why of that anger and resentment. I blamed you for what seemed to cause so much shame: the horrible, painful shame from such a deep place of feeling unloved and unwanted, and that blaming you for it all was an old survival strategy.

What I feel now for myself is immense pride that I was finally able to face that pain, and risk that the shame would start tearing my insides out again with that familiar barbed wire. I asked for help from my group, from my therapist, and myself, to begin to look at you with compassion. Deep down, I have always known you weren’t a bad person. Now, to stand up and say to you, “I will keep you safe now”, “I will take care of you now” is so brave.

You always thought that the compassion had to come from someone else. It had to come from outside because of how horrible you felt you were inside. You were wrong, although I understand now why you had to do that to survive. To be honest, it still feels uncomfortable a lot of the time, but it gets easier and easier. I am enjoying the increasing moments of comfort that I can give myself without the extreme of thinking that I must do it all on my own. The truth is you have never been on your own, even when you felt the loneliest. You had something inside you that kept giving you hope.  You had faith in a different life. You had determination to find a different life. So, even though you made mistakes and trusted the wrong people and got hurt over and over, every time you learned more. You learned what felt good and what didn’t even when you didn’t have the emotional strength to go for it. It was there waiting for you when you gained enough strength to get back up again and carry on.

Closing yourself off to everyone and numbing the emotion is what you did to keep the danger away. I believe that in doing that, you were actually keeping in the pain! Thank you for doing what you had to do to survive. I promise you that I have got it from here. I know it will take more time for you to believe that, but I can already feel that every time I show compassion to you and make different choices, you feel it and trust it more.

Though it felt the opposite so many times in your life, you have always been loved. If not by the ones that should have loved you, then by the ones that were put in your path to help you along. Do I believe in God? I believe that there are things that I can never explain or understand. I believe that there was a reason you were born. Is that God? Some say yes. I say, maybe? I used to say, “no way”, especially after what happened at the church. That is progress. The more I open us up to that childlike faith, the more happiness and peace you will feel.

I didn’t listen to you for a long time. I hated you and I judged you. I listen now. I don’t judge you anymore. I fall back into old habits but that is just because I am human and not because I have left you. I will never leave you again. 

I want the anger you have buried to come up. I want to teach you new ways to deal with the pain. I want to find out what you enjoy, what is fun, what makes you feel happy.

You don’t have to hide anymore. You can come out into the light. It is safe and if there are times you feel unsafe, I will listen.

Show me what you need healed, and I will do my best to help you or get you help.

It will take time, but we have come so far already. You can take all the time you need.