New Year’s Resolutions (Promises) as a Survivor
By Janet Bentley
Like a lot of us, the past couple years have been rough while navigating through a pandemic. As someone who fears connection as much as I need it, with a strong tendency to isolate, I have had to work extra hard at maintaining it. I have failed. I have succeeded. I have learned a lot. The pandemic continues.
I am learning how to take care of myself, while continuing to move forward with purpose. Personally, I hate Resolutions. I have decided that for me, I will rename them Promises. Promises to myself.
I Promise Myself To Do The Best I Can.
Sometimes I feel like I have come so far in my trauma recovery. I feel confident and aware of the progress I have made. Then I have a bad day or even a bad week. I can feel as if I have lost all compassion for myself, and the ‘Critic’ comes on board in a huge way.
I love all quotes about progress not being linear. It truly isn’t. Recognizing that fact is comforting to me – when I remember it. That is the exact reason why I need connection. That is why I need help from others. I need to be reminded, again and again. My bad days (or weeks) aren’t failures. They are growth and they are also inevitable. When I am authentic and doing the best I can, I am right where I should be.
I Promise Myself To Ask For Help When I Need It
This is such a challenge for me. One of my survival strategies as a child growing up in an abusive home was to depend on myself. I couldn’t depend on others as a child, especially my own family. I felt like the only way I could get from day to day was to be “strong” and strong meant that I could take care of myself.
As I continue this journey through trauma recovery, I continue to make this mistake over and over. In reality, asking for help is the strength. It is also the only way to recover. Fear of connection and fear of trusting others has only facilitated my isolation which leads me to dark, dark places. Trusting others who have earned that trust is always what brings me peace. I have built a wonderful support group and I want to continue to feel the strength that comes from using it.
I Promise Myself To Use More Self-Compassion
As a survivor of Child Sexual Abuse, one of the ways I coped was to blame myself. If I could just be perfect, if I was prettier, if I was smarter (and the “ifs” go on), then I would be loved.
What I have learned from my trauma recovery is that a child must protect the attachment relationship at all costs and like so many others, self-blame is what I used to survive.
As a survivor of Adult Sexual Assault, the pattern of self-blame was already imbedded so deeply into my nervous system that it was natural to begin to blame myself again. It is a trauma response that happens without a conscious thought. If I had dressed differently, if I had stayed home, if I had not been home, if I knew self-defense, etc.
That self-blame coping strategy shows up in my life in so many areas – not just those pertaining to the sexual abuses. It tries to keep me small. It is still trying to protect me from pain and disappointment I experienced as a child even though I don’t need it anymore. If I were a better friend, a better wife, a better client, etc. The list goes on!
Of course, none of the abuse, as a child or as an adult was my fault. The fault rests completely with the abusers. As an adult, I have choices and one of the choices I want to continue practicing is compassion for myself which helps me feel connected to all of us inherently worthy and flawed humans!
I Promise To Be Gentle And Forgiving With Myself When I Don’t Keep All (Or Any) Of These Promises
Pressuring myself to keep all of these promises perfectly or to heal a certain way in a certain time period is counterproductive. When I do this, I start to feel immobilized and stuck.
These promises are guides that will hopefully help me treat myself better. I haven’t failed if I don’t keep these promises perfectly. It doesn’t mean I am broken, damaged beyond repair, or unworthy. It doesn’t mean I don’t deserve happiness. It just means I need more time. It just means I need more practice.
No matter what, I promise to continue learning love and acceptance for the little girl who came by all these survival strategies honestly and the adult who is learning to reparent her.